Man….
I tell ya. My head is not well.
I had a week off work. It was pleasant. Got to sleep in, stay up late, etc. Built an entire island in The Sims.
Would have liked it better if my roommate hadn’t taken half the week off too… and would have been even more happy if his friend wasn’t sleeping on my couch every frickin night… Especially that last night of vacation time where i could stay up as late as i wanted. I was routinley confined to my bedroom by it.
But I digress. It is not that that has my head unwell.
It was a pleasant break from work, but a lonely one.
And going back to work has really reinforced that.
Here I am and I dont want to be here. I think about it all damn day. Yesterday for example, it was all I could do to make it til 5:00. Then I went home. And then all I wanted to do was go asleep so I could wake up and come back here. Rinse and repeat.
I’m going a little crazy unless I have something interesting to watch on TV or a video game I haven’t beaten yet, or played so much that I’m bored with it. (The Sims has that problem periodically… I can get into it for awhile, then I just dont want to touch it cause i’ve played too much… right now i’m in that lull between when i want to play it.)
I think back on “the old days” which was when Mike and I were together. Even back when Russ and I were together. I’d be at work, and yeah I wanted to be home. But when I got there, I liked those few hours I had to myself… that time I’m now dreading cause I have nothing to do. I liked it cause it was the “me-time” before my boyfriend would return home and need my attention.
Now its like I’m perpetually waiting for him to come home… only I dont have one anymore.
I have friends. Good ones that care about me and that I care about. But yet I still feel so very alone in the world. Twice now I’ve had pretty decent partners in life. For the most part I got everything I needed to get in the relationship. And unfortunantly with that came a bunch of what I call BS that I didn’t need nor want. And so things would end and here I am left alone again…. very much missing having that special someone I could really feel close to.
I mean, I am close with my closest friends, but its not the same kind of closeness that comes when you are in love with someone, when you share a bed with them, wake up to them beside you every morning, come home to them every night after work. For five years, over three boyfriends, that has been my life. Having that someone. And now no more.
I miss it, and yet i’m in no hurry to get attached again. As that song goes… I don’t want to be lonely no more, I don’t want to have to pay for this. Long ago, in the before times, my focus was about having a boyfriend cause I wanted one so bad and never had truly experienced it. Those times are done. I’m experienced enough for my tastes in the art of relationship building that I’m confident I know how.
Which I guess brings me to my next item of discource. So after Mike and I broke up, I of course was more open to talking to new people. I’ve spent some time on gay.com chatting with the a few of the guys on there. Some are new, some are people I just stopped talking to after Mike and I got together. But so often, in talking with these guys, i’m told what a great and wonderful guy I am. I’m told it by my boyfriends too.
But I ask you, and them, and universe itself….. If I’m so damn great and wonderful, why is it then that the last two relationships I was in fell apart because the man I was with, the one that said I was so great and wonderful, couldn’t cope when it came down to life with Shaun. Guess I’m not so great and wonderful… if me being me is what leads to this heartache. Clearly these guys aren’t making well-informed opinions on me. Perhaps they jump the gun too early and make proclimations of my greatness without actually finding out enough about me to know if thats really what they feel.
There was a time where I was all to happy to bend… to deny my own true self and be what I was wanted to be. That didn’t work. Those relationships ended more badly than the last two… and those around me saw the Shaun they knew die before their eyes and some shadow of himself take up residence up until the point of breakup when the real Shaun resurrected itself and reclaimed its body.
27 years I have walked this earth in this form and body and in that time I have made a wealth of personal discovery. I’ve become aquainted with, hell fallen in love, with the guy that I am. I know myself pretty well. Others, those long-term friends of mine, know me even better than that. And I do love myself. A great deal. I’m happy with who I am. Sure I see some faults, flaws that should be corrected. Those are the imperfections that must be worked on if I am to evolve into a higher state of being.
And I’ve seen what I’ve done to that self. How I’ve denied it. Buried it. Pushed it back into the abyss inside me. Hid it so I could be someone else.
I didn’t do that at all in my last relationship. I finally learned my lessons when I bent for Russell and still got no where.
I refused to sacrafice my own character for the sake of someone else’s feelings.
I believe in compromise. Don’t get me wrong. But there are things you compromise on and things you dont.
And the sad truth is, I look at my past two boyfriends and shake my head at them. Russ has at least come to realize what he had and gave up. And I think it still eats at him a bit.
I dont know about Mike. I know he had this image of what I was and that the real Shaun shattered that into pieces…. but for so long he kept out hope I’d eventually come around to his way of thinking. I dont know if losing me has opened his eyes to what he did have.
But really. They both had a really really good thing with me. They had a boyfriend who came home every night. Who stayed in, didn’t party, kept himself out of trouble. Could be accounted for and counted on. One who asked for very little and one that was truly focused on building a future.
Oh, but I like computers and video games. I like sci-fi shows. My interests and hobbies weren’t their interests and hobbies and I guess they just can’t appreciate why I would want to devote so much time to these passions. Which is really sad. Because I respected their passions. Encouraged them in it. Even when that meant I was left out and without my boy for a time so he could go do those things that made him happy. I didn’t necessarily enjoy their joys, but I put forth the effort to partake in them once in awhile.
I dont know. There are a lot of things I have to watch out for in future suitors. Things these other guys have taught me to steer clear of.
I just so wish I could truly clone myself. I’d find happiness there. Someone who looks at the world through the same eyes. Don’t really need a clone to get that I guess. Somewhere he’s out there.
When it comes down to it, I’m the boyfriend I want to have. Low-maintenance, able to occupy himself, low-key, laid-back, etc. Doesn’t need any big “dramatic” event to feel love expressed, or to express it. One who can sit there in total silence with me and still feel total bliss. Being able to talk to someone is all well and good, but the real test of one’s compatibility is how they cope with you when you are sitting there in silence, not even looking at one another. Just lost in your own thoughts together.
That song is really my theme now when it comes to love and romance.
Because all i’ve done is share myself… who I am.. with people and in the end I pay for it. They must just fall in love with the wrong guy. Instead of the real one, they’re in love with the idea of what I might be. I mean, what else could it be? I’m not a bad guy. Coming home and playing video games after work til bedtime I would think is far better than having your boyfriend going out after work every night. At least this way they know exactly where I am and exactly what I’m doing. No need to wonder who I’m with or if I’m up to no good.
Because Trust isn’t something I’ve found in any of my true long-term relationships. Deep in their hearts they did not have faith in me. Thayer, Russell, Michael. I’ve given my love, given myself, to each of these guys and in the end I was left with nothing.
And for the most part… their gripes on me boil down to who I am and what I’m about. Boils down to that supposedly great and wonderful guy that they say they are in love with but yet can’t handle.
I’m just not that great and wonderful. If I was, me being me wouldn’t be a problem for them.
So.
I guess I shall walk alone for awhile. I just wish I could find joy in my world again. I feel like a zombie… just being animated and put through motions… no real purpose or intent. Working my days away so that I can pay my rent. Nothing left to live for, nothing for which to die. Its why I walk in a haze, its why at night I cry.